Would you lie with me and
just forget the world?

5 hours of sitting in an lt, writing on slips of paper and not being allowed to talk to people was quite the torture.

Haha some things are now quite interesting that they're in a new light.

And zzz I just lost my entire train of thought when a huge spider with white stripes crawled across my screen its eyes were on stalks and moving around for goodness sake, I hate spiders

I'm being very unproductive!

Is it selfish to want more? (I'm not talking about anything council related here)

These 2 years are indeed really short.

Arghhh my personality type infuriates me sometimes.

What a week this has been.

Tuesday was results, and really, to God be all the glory. Getting into council was a huge blessing and I'm really, really thankful for this opportunity. More on this later.

I was abit zoned out for the rest of the week, trying to do my PI which still isn't done, as well as the impending council camp. Thursday and friday, though both were napfa days, were enjoyable; had quite a good econs talk on thursday after school (at least the first speaker was good, the other one sounded like he was going to have a heart attack any minute) and then dinner! with classmates. Had a great time, we must have more dinners like these! Had fun bingeing on turkish ice cream on friday after frustratingly getting a bronze for napfa, and just spending time with friends.

Council camp was quite the shock after the past two days, and I have to say it has been one heck of an experience. I'm not allowed to divulge details, but suffice it to say that I think we're a rather special batch; we've got the drive and passion for great things, now we have to materalize our dreams into reality. We will stand or fall together as 28ths, as one batch. Time will tell which.

The whistle is (still) endlessly annoying. I bet some joker will still be doing it tomorrow.

Looking forward to heading back to class tomorrow haha.

Whatever the outcome tomorrow, I'm going to give thanks to the Lord anyway for He has been so, so amazing during this period, and I'm going to trust in His plan for me. Whatever the outcome.

Thank you everyone who voted for me, all of you are much appreciated (:

I stand here before You
In wide open wonder
Amazed
At the glory of You

Church today was immensely refreshing; to be able to bask in God's presence again after the longest time -- I've been missing this for far, far too long. Amazing, amazing.

Gained back a new clarity of perspective, and the new week looks like as good a time as any to put it to use.

Whatever the result of voting (or whatever happens tomorrow during voting), I'm leaving it in God's hands. I'm really grateful for everything He's given already; the support has been encouraging to no end. May Your will be done, Your purpose revealed.

Revealing Your purpose in me

Glad that God pulled me through the whole of today (:
Just two days left! And the last piece of work to be completed tonight too, must finish by 1am! Then I can go sleep ohhh glorious sleep.

Council campaigning's been an eye-opener in many ways; spent a few hours just talking with Kartik about everything and anything, and I'm very thankful that I've got friends like these that surprise me all the time (:

Finding the right words to say, but they've been coming out all wrong recently. It's time to make a start tomorrow.

Let this banner and the proliferation thereof take over the world.

Okay maybe not anything as dramatic as that, but friends spread pls (:

(kudos to audrey!)





































:D


(edit: okay things are in full swing and getting faster! tmr's house speeches plus canteen rally plus filming of video cos the councillors lost our video >:(!!! gotta have faith that God'll pull me through. it's going to be tough!

On a much brighter note, THANK YOU EVERYONE FOR THE SUPPORT x)

/edit)

Play! (the band j1 concert) last night was a much much needed break from everything. I really enjoyed myself; music was great (beauty and the beast theme! my favourite disney song), the actual play itself was impressively put together (Jiawei for the script that was him all over haha, and Jiayun for the clever directing despite all the constraints - it was good!) And Jiayun's flute playing is (there's no other word to describe this --) beautiful. Whoa. (I'd like to hear Jiawei playing jazz!) We even saw Sibu again, haha I think that place'll be forever engraved in a corner of my heart.

The after concert high is something that I miss, I think almost nothing beats that euphoria. There's something magical about music, something I don't want to let slip away from my life -- haha like my piano teacher suggested maybe I really shd go play in hotels.

Before I say anything else about campaign I'd like to thank A01A and all my friends for being such an awesome bunch (: I really really appreciate the help you guys are giving; even if this doesn't pull through, I can't express my gratitude enough. (Especially Audrey! You've been amazing (= Zhihao too! for the advice thats really helped alot, alot.) Next week is it! Time to execute.




(EDIT: In the chaos of this one week I think I've lost touch with whats really important. I need to start finding and enjoying times of solitude which have been all too fleeting this week. To reflect, think, and just bask in the feeling of, well, being. I need to pray more. much much more. Lord You have been taking me through every step of the way, help me to just put everything at Your feet and to depend entirely on You because I know that my strength is not enough.

I'm sorry for the disjointed nature of this post I'm stealing time off to pen these thoughts down. And before I forget, good luck to everyone who's campaigning, we share a collective lack of sleep and way too much stress ><

Cheers!)

Campaigning's going to start in full swing soon and the preparation is already killing me.

Leaning on the Lord's strength to pull me through, whatever the outcome at least I can say: what an experience it has been/is going to be. Getting to this point has already been a huge blessing.

-Cue shameless self-publicisation-

Vote for T_T! (Tze Ern and Tian Kai hahahahhaa)

Wow 250th post. Good that it's going to be a lot more cheerful then ^_^

Somehow nature has a way of settling me down and helping me think through whats been going on. The last time I saw so many stars was in Sibu, and its no coincidence that there and then was the last time I felt so content.

I've been reacting and not thinking, which is something I have to learn to stop. Time isn't exactly slipping out of my hands now, so yes we live and learn. Although I don't agree with most of the stuff I posted just yesterday and the day before, I think it's instructive to leave it there, as a reminder to myself.

Gotta have a little more faith.

About the posts earlier, I'm just thinking aloud here; don't take everything I write that seriously. Especially the um more figurative language.

A conversation I'm having with someone now has got me thinking about whether I really know what my friends are like. Oh, the 'girlfriend element' certainly changes people...

The illogicality and irrationality of this strikes me; reminds me of the Houyhnhnms, and how man cannot solely be governed by pure rationality, because we are inherently emotional creatures. Apparently I learnt more from Gulliver's than I thought.

Hmmmm I wonder. The general idea seems to be working fine for now.

Ahh in any case, there's no point to all this thinking. The clock still turns!

Imagine theres a proverbial brick wall that I'm just bashing myself upon, and I can't see whats on the other side.

Where do we go from here? I'm really not sure, and I don't know what to think. Am feeling ambivalent about the future.

Futsal at tampines was quite fun. 5 goals for a defender, even though I bet mr lu was rather irritated with me for being extremely lazy.

Harsh Realities.

If not for the fact that the pendant was found, this post may have degenerated into an indulgence of self-condemnation. Thank God it was found, thank God.

Compared to the enjoyable mayhem that was yesterday, today was (due to the above) much more subdued. I really was nowhere near myself today, sorry. And when I'm in a mood like this, I seem to inexorably gravitate to conversations that are a great deal more gloomy than I'd like. But on the bright side I've realized alot about the way our class works, and the actual realities as opposed to the defensive self-depracation we employ. Reality hunkers in like an overgrown tramp in a small room.

Hah, what an irony. Just as well, I think I needed a huge wake up call and this is it; there's really not much time left, and in order to reach the standards set by others (and I honestly honestly believe this) in clarity, lucidity, vocabulary and style and in short everything I'm going to need for the A's I need to start working and improving now. This disillusionment better count for something because I'm most definitely not up to scratch.

The reversal of fortunes is complete: now we are the ones feeling intimidated. These barriers must be cast down, or we will never truly learn from each other. Let's see how it goes from here;






My disillusionment today runs on another level as well, but that's a long story for a place that is not a public blog. Am feeling utterly confused and more than a little lost.

A big big BIG thank you to everyone who has made my birthday this year such a blast!



In absolutely no particular order:



09A01A for the delicious cake (of which I ate 4 pieces of ahh I'm turning fat.) and surprise yesterday and the song today (where they made me hold the lighted candles and just sang; whose bright idea was this!?) plus the fantastic but nonetheless horribly-drawn card (kartik!!)



My cousins and sister for designing and framing up a fantastic looking board with photos and notes; a hugely unexpected surprise



Merrill and Slau for the shockingly expensive nike ManU shirt that they gave me (thanks alot alot alot!)


Tabbi and Nicole for the red nike shoebag that is lightyears better than my current one

BW06 for the small blackforest cake from breadtalk and birthday song before assembly

4p'07! What can I say? The insanely rich chocolate mousse, the stuffing of my face (T_T) into said chocolate mousse, the crazily designed board with random scribblings and messages from the class (super havoc hahaha reminds me of last year ^^) and the birthday song that literally echoed around the canteen; really miss you guys! 4P is and will remain the best class I could ever ask for in RI. You guys rock =D

And lastly everyone who remembered (or did not remember but still found out) and wished me ^^


Its the first time in a long long while that I've had a birthday fall during the school term, and everyone has made it one to cherish and remember. I think I have the awesomest friends. (:

Cheers, you guys made my week!

I'll be glad when this is over with, I'm sick, struggling with the essay (my lit is really a lot worse than I expected) and abit...hmm I dunno how to put it. Disaffected and not at the same time. Ahh will this feeling go away.

On a happier note, my cousins gave me a very very nice birthday board (like a card, only bigger) that was framed up. Oh, with balloons too ^^
Thanks very very much (:

Let me quickly post something before I nod off. Back from camp (which ended early YESS). We didn't do much other than train, all the matches (except for a sad 25 minutes -_-) were played by the competition squad so...futsal during training made up a little for it though. Ahwell.

Am really very worried for chengwen, hope that he's 100% alright >< If not I don't know how I'm going to live with the guilt. Damn

After slogging for more than a year, to not get into the team is cruel, plain and simple. You deserved it more than some who did. GN, I'm really really sorry. =/

Headed down to ECP with the class today, cycled (for a while at least) and taught jiayun and austin how to cycle; both learnt quite well hahaha job well done. Austin didn't have too much difficulty after learning how to pedal off, but jiayun on the other hand had uhh certain encounters with dustbins, trees, lampposts, some poor kid, and on two memorable occasions a rubbish cart. But aiya you learnt well la!

Lunched at subway (again! whats with 1A and subway I have no idea) then was kinda forced by the gloomy weather out of ECP and so we headed to dhoby ostensibly to watch a movie but ended up pooling instead. Was fun! Even though she'd never played before (or shock! horror! set foot in a place like paradiz ever) jiayun and I still managed to play henry and shinyi to a 2-3 loss.

(Whoa honestly jiayun you learn fast. Although the less said about your aiming in pool and your turning while biking the better... -_-)

Hahaha okay I will stop poking fun already. Followed the guys to Thai Xpress, then left them there to meet jeremy and the twins at orchard to celebrate our joint birthdays. Thank you for the shoebag! :D Dinner didn't last very long cause they had to rush back home due to extreme parental anger, ahh ohwell hopefully we'll have a next time.

Had a long ride home with jeremy, talked abt quite a lot of stuff, rj and vj soccer in particular. Ahhh wish he could've stayed in rj. Our parting words were 'eh okay see you...uh....soon la!' I hope soon isnt that far off T_T

Soccer camp tmr! I just finished my packing list, shd start packing in a bit.

I HOPE I STAY UNINJURED AND WELL THROUGHOUT CAMP.

MAY I BE ABLE TO PLAY.

I'm slightly incoherent now but just needed to pen down today before the chaos that is camp.

You abridge my words; cause me to stumble
Hopelessly, praying a slight brush of speech
Will tell you the moon and the stars.

I promise a much more detailed entry soon. Enjoying the feeling of having (pretending) nothing to do. A level results were released yesterday, went down with the class to help out (while actually doing nothing in particular there). Was supposed to head down at 930 but uhhh I overslept T_T The alarm clock's ringing doesn't register anymore.

Headed down to town with the class in the evening after that, somehow even if we don't do much in particular the time spent with everyone is still enjoyable. Didn't know you could see stars in orchard! :O

I'm really really thankful that our class is staying together, that we'll still remain 09A01A even with the release of humanities scholarships. Yesterday I felt like a great deal was off my mind not because of the scholarship, but because we won't be forced to split up; I felt happy last night, that God really answered all my prayers, spoken and unspoken hopes and fears. There's really so much to be thankful for. But talking it out just now made the reality that some people didn't get the scholarship so much more apparent and real. I'm feeling very bad for those who didn't get it now, especially brian because I think he deserves it more than anyone else. I'd give up my scholarship for him, to tell the truth. The scholarship doesn't mean as much because to me the class and the programme have been my priorities, not the money. But the disappointment I saw was heartwrenching. It's not fair, honestly.

Blogging at Zhengxuan's house now while the rest of the guys're playing halo and waiting for the Champs league matches to start. Just came from supper after watching "Black Comedies and Light Tragedies". The first two plays were alright, while I was really impressed with the suspense evoked in the play after the intermission. Great physical theatre, although my opinion admittedly doesn't hold that much weight.

I couldn't say the words I wanted to say, and in the end all that came out was words that meant nothing. Is this how things are meant to remain? Aberrations...?

Sibu

Class camp was an amazing, amazing experience.

I think I'll actually do a photopost when Jiayun and Grace've uploaded their photos (thanks both of you!), looking forward to seeing them (!!!)

I'll talk about the rest of the days when I get the photos, but I have to say the last night was one of the most magical nights of my entire life. The jetty where I just felt this huge sense of belonging, the talking and sharing with the class illuminated by the autumnal orange glow of the lamps, watching the ocean blend with the horizon and the sky into a pitch-black void that was simply amazing to behold. Later, lying together on the beach, singing, sharing, talking, laughing; lying on our backs and watching the stars slowly wink into existence, wondering whether the stars were really still there or whether we were just watching their dying embers from eons ago, watching the ocean waves and listening to the surf crash onto the beach, enjoying the poignant silences punctured by the rustling of the wind through the tree branches and falling asleep by the shore. (and later waking up shivering with cold cause I didn't wear long pants. thanks for the jacket, my legs would've frozen if not for it [: ) and later watching the clouds get brighter (it really wasn't a sunrise, unfortunately) until it was time to go.

I wish I could've captured that moment and preserved it for eternity, to make that single moment last forever and ever. I felt really, really happy that whole night. Maybe if I put it into verse I'll be able to do so, but I doubt my poetry is any good. Words couldn't really do it justice. At the end of it there's this sense of loss that the moment's gone, it can't be recreated anymore no matter how hard I try, but what's left is the memories of it; memories that I hope will never fade. Maybe in this little post I can capture and remember what it felt like. Maybe I won't lose it. Nights like these really must come more often, but I guess what Jiayun said was right: its precisely because these moments are so fleeting and elusive that they are so precious.

I'll end on that. The rest of the camp was just as special, but this moment was really the defining moment for me. I wish things will stay as they are right now.

Hiatus' over. and I'm feeling alot more at peace with things now. I'm thankful for the wonderful promise that You've given, that things aren't over, not by a long shot. He's just gone for the moment;

A longer post up soon.

I don't know whether I can blog again, at least for the forseeable future.

Interview tmr.

-cue ominous music-

I'm really glad for my friends and my class, who've been so collectively awesome that I can just head to school no matter what my mood or mental state and always be cheered up :)

Take 5 was fantastic, had a lot of fun playing soccer (we got second hahaha wasted. Shoutout to EDIT(i'm very sorry i forgot): PAUL jerome hanlin wang qiaoer skoh tiankai andrea yanhan and sharon!) and walking around with friends, wish I had a little more time to spend with the class though, really wanted to just sit around, picnic, and talk. Looking forward to class camp though whoo.

Humanz party was quite fun, HAHA our great depression theme was hilarious, even though some people looked bemused at us and our insider jokes (vietnam quoc dan dang!) we're still awesome. Qianwei's mind works damn fast la all his nonsense (which were actually funny xD). Wish I could've stayed a lil longer though. Starting to enjoy being around the people in the class alot.

'The only business I can do nowadays is in the toilet'
-Qianwei, still in character.

Didn't go training today cause I've been sick for the past week and needed alot alot alot of rest (which I got today). Thanks for the concern everyone :)

Yikes. The reality that social dynamics really have changed has just hit me. I should be a little more conscious to avoid being in sticky situations like some people are now. T_T

Looking forward to Take 5 and having fun, then humanz party after that with happy times at kartik's house :) Hahaha the sentence sounds really weird but i like. Sorry I'm feeling kinda off kilter now haha.

ASAP I'm going to improve my passing and crossing. It's really really cmi now. I hope I recover for the match tomorrow.

The drive and determination is there, but if I am meant to pour it into something else then I actually feel at peace with it. I will not let my motivations change.

How self-absorbed we are, that we complain that 'LIFE DAMN TOUGH' at the slightest provocation or failure, that we lose sight of what really is important.

Lalala.

CNY so far has been okay. Nothing really out of this world. Except Mass Effect, of which I finally completed after 34 odd hours.

I'm abit more at peace now about the way things are, abit more attuned. I'll probably look back upon this period a few weeks/months from now and think of how much better things were, but that's just life haha. Or maybe I won't. Depends.

Got lots of exciting stuff to look forward to in the next few weeks! Take 5, Malaysia trip with A01A (should be bundles of fun), etc. I hope my ankle and my throat clear up and get better.

Should stop saying 'I want', and stop making arrogant judgements.

Lord, not my will but Yours. Amen.

On a separate note,

09A01A YOU ARE AWESOME :D

I've been meaning to say this for some time.

Life's h-h-heating up but I'm slowing down.

Adventure leadership thingy on 13th Feb which I signed up for on a whim. Wonder if I can actually commit to it, have to take another look at the dates. It seems really really interesting though.

Council nominees out today. Inexorably, the train starts to move.

On another note, my bag is ubiquitous. Yes, I know what the word means ^^

As a mark of how remarkably inefficient (or lazy, if you will) I am, today marks the first time I've actually looked at my graduation night photos!

Brings back alot of happy memories, and of the experiences that I had in RI that I will carry to my dying day. If RJ as anywhere near as awesome an experience, I'll take it.

Have been using the weekend primarily as an extended sleeping session, other than a brief sojourn to YGH, which might have been better used. So I've been alternately doing essays, chatting to people and thinking. (not necessarily in that order) I don't want to get used to the monotony of school where I survive the day of lectures and tutorials, either head for training or head home to sleep and do work. MSN has become something of a luxury, scarily.

The past two weeks haven't been very uplifting. Alot of my own pretensions have been hopelessly jarred, and the nice pink cloud has dissipated, leaving behind...what? Self-introspection is something that I haven't been doing much since the start of this year. Maybe cause I don't want to know what I'll find. I need to stop being such an asshole. Wake up!

The dumb thing about posting when I'm in a bad mood is that my mood invariably gets better because I post, and that makes me want to take off my previous post, which kind of defeats the purpose of posting in the first place.

So what I'm trying to say is, I'm okay!

Face down in the dirt.

And it hurts.

I'm trying hard to have faith, to believe that everything happens for a reason, as part of a plan. I don't know what'll happen if I fail at this last, largest hurdle. Because apparently I've crashed headlong into the previous ones. I still bear the scars.

Smile for others when you can't smile for yourself.

Everything is in full swing now, but I get the express feeling that I'm somehow out of the loop. Not because I'm behind in tutorials or whatever (surprisingly), but this period feels discomfortingly uncertain. I'd like to be able to settle into my JC life as soon as possible, but until the interviews come and go I don't think I'll have that luxury.

Humanities scholarship interview on Monday. I'd tell myself that it's better to be early and get it over with quickly but I don't think unpreparedness is a trade-off I'm particularly happy with. I was supposed to be reading up on current affairs but bbc.co.uk provided a deluge of said news that sadly dampened all enthusiasm. I really stink at interviews. May all go well.

I'm glad that friends are going to be staying in soccer, even though floorball has called and council is calling. I wonder if I'll be able to get past the interview. See above for my thoughts on interviews. You will understand my lack of optimism.

P-------. How I hate it.

I think if I want to continue blogging a change of address will be contemplated.

But anyway.

The past week (it's exactly 7 days since we stepped into RJC!) has been the living definition of a whirlwind experience. I'll admit that I wasn't all that pumped up and excited like some people were about orientation and jc life in general, but I guess an open mind really goes a long, long way. Thank you BW06 for making my orientation experience so awesome. I love you guys! :D
A huge shoutout to our OGLs as well, especially Zhen Nan! who has been every inch the perfect OGL. Can't thank you enough. I really hope we can all stay in touch. We don't fall into conventions, we defy them.

I won't try putting everything into words, because I'd like to do everything enough justice but some things are indescribable. Watching T'sparanza burn has to be one of the most powerful experiences I've ever had. Time will tell whether the words of our batch song ring true, but I pray it does. I really, really do.

Pictures tell a thousand words.

But I have none, so I'll end off this post. Trials tomorrow, a cacophony of voices are ringing in my ear but I need to know which path I must take.

T_T

School starts tomorrow..

I need to take a picture of my table filled totally full with the anime stuff I bought from Tokyo ^^

..and pack it.

ずるずるずるずるずる

止めてください

日本を大好きです。
本当に大好きです。
北海道はきれいです。白いの雪;凄い。白いの景色、信じられないい。

楽しかった。
よかった。
新しいの信念。


忘れていません。
未来に、帰るよ。
約束。

(Side note:
秋葉原が大好きです。
悪いの日本語:　ごめんね。
まだまだ。）

Back, but this air of surrealness refuses to dissipate. In fact, it just gets murkier, and I'm enmeshed in a nightmare of sorts.

Neck pains.

My 360 is dead
Long live the 360 (that I have to pay $159.43 to get from msoft, the ripoffs.)

Damnit.

It's been a month, but now I'm finally enjoying my holidays. ^^

Realize I've been quite reclusive recently. But its nice that I can be happy at home, of course games/anime/huge screens have helped alot alot.

Hooray for the paragon! (hope my 360 doesn't die on me please don't please don't >_<)

Solitude.

Where do we strike the balance?

HELLO I'm back, if only for a little while. Things have been flying/buzzing/shooting by recently, quiet moments have come and gone (even if they are a bit too fleeting) but interspersed are a whole load of stuff that are in turn exciting, frustrating, and sometimes both at once. Can't recall enough things to actually do a full account, so I won't even bother but who cares I'm enjoying myself for the most part so that's all that matters ^^

I need to find a new blogskin, cos it looks out of whack with my new monitor.

(Shepard calls but I can't answer. Damn.)

Raffles.

4p.

and need we look further to what defines us?
thanks for all the memories guys.
it ain't over.

manchester united are awesome.

16 goals in 4 games O_O

I love stories. Which is why I read, why I watch, why I game. For the plots, the infinite possibilities that each hold, limited only by the writer's imagination and frailties. I live for the stories that take me away from reality, to escape from the sometimes bleak situations that I find myself in. To live in another world, if only just for awhile. (This is why I hate spoilers.)

So why are so many of the characters that I've grown to know and love, (even though you may scoff that they aren't real at all), why are so many of them dying? Why is it that innocence lost is a good thing?

I wrote my poetry analysis for our lit eoy on the power of words, and its something that I believe very strongly in. But words can hurt. Words can break a heart.

I've been blogging phwoar alot, but enough is enough I shall be over miserableness and start to live again. I mean, life is too beautiful for that. At least thats what I'll continue to believe and damned if everything seems to conspire to make me cynical but I won't I won't I won't.

I'M GETTING HALO 3 ON LAUNCH DAY YAY (:

Who's free on 25th Sept! Follow me down to Suntec and get the free goodie bag hahaha.


On another note,
United's season is finally back on track, but the grinding out of victories is worrying me :x When's the free flowing football of last season going to come back! SAF, think think think.

Apparently blogger says this is my 200th post.

When I'm With You - Simple Plan

I'm taking my time
I'm trying to leave the memories of you behind
I'm gonna be fine
As soon as I get your picture right out of my mind

[Chorus:]
I wanna feel the way you make me feel when I'm with you
I wanna be the only hand, you need to hold on to
But everytime I call you don't have time
I guess I'll never get to call you mine

You're nothing at all,
I know theres a million reasons why I shouldn't call
With nothing to say,
could easily make this conversation last all day

[Chorus]

Another lesson I didn't get to learn
Your my obsession
I've got nowhere to turn



I know that somewhere within all my blog posts lies the real me. But I have no bloody idea where. I don't know why I make the effort to be certain way. When does it actually make a difference, really?

There's an important distinction between solitude and loneliness.

Why is everyone drifting away?

whoa, I want to hate you half as much as I hate myself

Seems like no one's all there nowadays. We're all cracking in little ways, but its the little rifts that are irreparable. Thanks, huh.

I've been oversleeping WAY too much. And slacking. Damn.



Did some careers matchmaking thing awhile ago ( -_- ) and got these results.




1.
Social Worker

2.
Addictions Counselor

3.
Rehabilitation Counselor

4.
Recreation Therapist

5.
Lobbyist

6.
Politician

7.
Psychologist

8.
Sport Psychology Consultant

9.
Mediator

10.
Judge



11.

Actor



Interesting.

I'm feeling a little random today, so I shall talk abit about poetry.

Poetry needs soul. It needs emotion to drive it, whether its a cathartic listnessness, or full-blown angst, poetry without this is just words randomly thrown into a few lines. This was one of the chief reasons why watching poetry slam a few weeks back made me cringe. Alot.

How can someone presume to write a poem about loss and separation and make it work (phwoar without you), if they have no idea what it feels like? Sure, there's TV and songs, but as to the validity of the entertainment industry as a good teacher of emotion, I leave you to decide. Writing about things you simply don't know about; I'm sorry but it just doesn't work.

I used to detest poetry, but a good one is to be savoured.







Rediscovery is the keyword here. I'm holding out for meaning.

Okay I need to scare myself abit to force myself to start work.

Maths

• Matrices
• Circular Measure
• Trigonometry (bloody huge topic)
• Differentiation (and applications thereof which is something I still don't get)
• Integration
• Vectors (I almost forgot this)
• Probability (I need to learn this from scratch)
• Statistics (Ditto above)

And it doesn't help matters that I've forgotten the first 2 topics almost entirely. I say I have the next 4 days to finish all these. I say it is impossible, but my revision schedule (which I've just come up with on the spot) says I must. 23 days left I think.

Cue panic button.

Gone through Physics and Chem and Bio already, but each quite briefly, and I need to practice. I have no idea how I will accomplish everything on time. And here I am still playing GTA. -_-

How!

Conversation can make my day; I'm weird like that.

Talking with Ms Johnson today has given me a bit more focus and direction in order to get what I want to get. I know what my priorities are, but I wish I could just shunt the rest aside and leave them alone, alas it is not to be.

DMP this year, I conclude, consists alternatively of a lot of stoning during chinese and during free breaks. How I hate having to stay back for extra tests. At least tmr's the last one.

Anyway, thanks Jo, you brightened up my day ^^

It's been a long time since I actually posted anything of note, and I wouldn't blame any one of you if you stopped reading cause frankly there hasn't been anything interesting.

Theres so much inside me thats begging to be said but I don't know how to put it into words, or perhaps I'm scared about what these words will reveal. Not just to everyone, but to myself. Truth may be just a word.

Past few days have been a struggle mentally, and I haven't felt so inadequate for pretty damned long. I have no idea whose expectations I'm living up to, why I struggle, fight, why I spend many nights tossing and turning in bed unable to just fall asleep, and instead struggle with my thoughts and emotions, just to make me feel- I don't know. I don't know what it makes me feel, and maybe therein lies the problem because I can't name what I'm feeling, and I have no idea what I'm supposed or rather what I can do about it. So instead its left there and it saps away my energy, saps away my spirit until I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I while the time away trying to study but I can't, because my mind and soul's just not in it.

Maybe it's saying something that the time at which I'm happiest has been while dreaming. Some of my dreams are ridiculous but from others I attain a new degree of clarity, others reveal my innermost thoughts and desires that I don't dare confront. I don't know what to make of all of them but one thing's clear: it's my way of escape.

Hah. Ironic isn't it. I can tell others to face their problems but I keep going because of these forms of escape, watching movies, listening to music, reading books, playing games, these help me escape from reality; emotional fix maybe, yes even games I play them for story as much as gameplay. These help keep me sane, help me feel human.

I can't put my thoughts in order because I think there's been so much thats been kept in for so long that it's all threatening to spill out, every last one. I hate the incongruity of this.

There's so much to say.

I can say that I haven't been emo for a long time, but that may or may not be true. I wonder if anyone saw this whole post coming, cause certainly I didn't. Now I see the allure and dangers of being emo (though I detest this word). It helps I guess to think of your situation of being 'woe is me the whole world is against me ohno' because it gives you this prerogative of sorts, the mindset that somehow no one can help, that feeling of wallowing in misery and lying there stuck like a pig in mud. It's abit like 'fine since I'm feeling so damn miserable I'm going to act it and enjoy it'. Is this catharsis?

Purging of emotion.

Reply!

It's the little unexpected things that make my day (:

Glad I took my mum's advice and actually started praying about subject combis for RJ, cos now I think I'm quite clear about what I'm going to take, if its His will I'll get in. It's a load off my mind.

Haha kinda refocused myself abit today. Good.

Ratatouille is awwwesommeee. Can't remember the last time I enjoyed an animated movie by disney so much (simpsons doesnt count hehh). Disney's surprised me! The charm's thats been missing is coming back slowly, but old classics are unbeatableeeee haha.

Grabbed a foothold, but I don't know whether the path ahead of me is really there, or its just a figment of my imagination and the handhold on the wall's just too far to reach. But everything's okay! It's good haha. I need to watch movies more often cos it like an escape of the senses, to immerse myself in an experience and come out feeling better about life. Yay.

HELLO EVERYBODYYYY I've kinda given up on my tagboard to work so this is a v v v v v belated reply. argh.

Studying out is good for my concentration, but when I'm feeling v tired it takes a large toll on me and its quite tough to keep alert/awake T_T

Gosh slept from 10pm to 11am. There goes my whole morning argh, but its nice to get abit of my sleep time back.

Ratatouille tonight! Heard its really good.

We are the Champions!

BAYLEY HOUSE CHAMPIONSHIP WINNERS '07 :DD

This is it, our batch. This is the legacy we leave.

All the hours put in, every single one worth it.

Lionhearts!

I'm a happy boy (:

First win of the season! Finally. Nani's goal was fantastic, Tevez still hasn't proven himself. Defending was shambolic, v v v v lucky.

AND found my zuowen book happyhappy

I am unbelievably depressed.

I was in a pretty good mood this afternoon. Music that I loved t0 listen to last year was playing through my speakers and it felt surprisingly nice to listen to it again, and the memories that it brought up.

Then I watched the Manchester derby.

&%$#%@#$*&@%

Life in RI really stinks when it comes to exams.

Screwed up math paper today, and I'm feeling pretty damn disappointed. The galling thing is that I never know whether I'm part of the majority who did badly after the test or part of the very same minority, because there are always people who screw up, and there are always the few people who score obscenely well. So I never have any idea where I stand, which is especially frustrating because I can't tell whether I screwed up because the paper really was that difficult (which I think it was) or because I just suck. And it really stinks when people start shouting answers after exams and I know its natural and no one can help it myself included but when all the answers sound totally foreign to me and I'm just counting mark by mark that I hope I got correct so that I can get that pass, which in any case may not happen.

I know I need more practice but its hard to find time to do so without sacrificing the time I spend not doing work that keeps me sane. Damnit the stress is going to my head and I'm tethering on a thread and there's still chem cct tmr which I havent studied for because I spent the time on math instead and now I think I might as well not have.

Life really really really stinks right now. I need something to be happy about.

It ends tonight.

Mark my words

Somehow I'm blogging like a madman today. Guess it's cause I've got the time hmm.

Heard the song which goes 'hey now, hey now, don't dream it's over' and it reminds me of p4/5, where I went with my family to New Zealand I think. When I look back now on it I think I was so happy and carefree back then. Love that place to bits, really. And somehow today seems to lack the colour of that past. Can I recreate it?

Hahaha just had to post a bit about the dream I had in those 15 hours. Was like some super surreal and weird dream, involved a quest of some sort with boss battles and stealth sections where we ended up in this palace/mansion thing on a flying carpet and long inane sections of character development (it's true) and then there was this stupendous plot twist where somehow woochiao (DON'T ASK ME WHY) turned out to be the betrayer and we all got caught by palace guards(?) and then random (more random I mean) stuff started happening. For some reason I could actually use my handphone during the dream. I had 2 missed calls and 1 new message. I found this out when the world started to flood and I had to swim to a hut to leave it with this huge giantess. It was a very odd dream. I should avoid sleeping so long next time.

When I'm home all day, I realize I tend to start thinking about alot of things, which in turn makes me not want to do work. Must stay focused.

Gosh. I win.

Came home at 530 yesterday, decided to take a nap at 6, slept through my wake-up alarm at 7 and woke up at 9 the next day. Thats 15 solid hours of sleep (!!!)

Off to do work for the whole of today. Ditto for tomorrow.

Stale blog yay!

Okay haven't been getting round to posting (its alr been more than one week wow) cos I've alternatively been busy and playing

GAMEBOYADVANCE on my phone xDD

Just like that, my life is gone.

OKAY anyway had alot of stuff for the past week or so, crosscountry and things, but I can't really remember anything interesting to talk about so there.

I'd post alot more often if I had the incentive to do so, tags would be nice! Heheh. Shameless soliciting. Okay woochiao I'll post sth more interesting tmr, I uh promise. x)

National Day holidays coming up! Which means time to chiong through homework/projects/mugging, which = no life. Sec 4 really is the pits when it comes to work.

Something's been on my mind, which has caused no small amount of conflict. Am I really being selfish by doing so? I know very well that without motivation I'm just going through the motions, so, what, do I motivate myself (highly unlikely and nigh impossible) or just save myself and everyone a bit of time and effort. Forcing myself to do something I don't want to do seems to be on the palette, but I'd rather settle for something else.

We learn from the laughter, the sorrow, and the tears.

Some things aren't better left unsaid.

I push it off over and over again; this won't do.

Life is good!

Still feeling kinda high from saturday, so nothing has been able to get me down today. Not even people's flaming of bayley and our play and trying to get us disqualified and whatnot because I know we've done our part and I'm very very happy with what we've achieved.

Had to take Chem test on electrolysis today despite not being prepared. Next time I should really check the timetable before assuming a test is on a certain day -_- At least I still could remember everything and I think I did decently. Same for magnetism. Smoking through ftw.

Math integration tmr! I'm not very confident for it =/ Oh well! Once its over I can take a nice break for a day at least. I'm itching to go play with the new tv =DD High-def gaming is unbeatable, really. The price for the TV, I realized, is extremely cheap. Yay for offers!

I hope my good mood continues, its nice to live life happy and contented, especially with people around me that never fail to make my day :)

BAYLEY DRAMAFESTE '07

best play! =DD

The last few months of slogging through scriptchecks, discussions, meetings, and most of all rehearsals till late, was all worth it; every, last, second. Can't do justice to it in so few words, though I shall try to in a later post when I have a bit more time and the actual house standings are released for dramafeste. I'm not sure whether we'll get first or not but nvm nothing can burst my bubble now.

Not even my computer crashing on me, which has forced me to use this laptop to blog and do homework.

Thanks so much for coming down! =))

I'm totally o_O now. Dramafeste is on Saturday omggggg. Rehearsals went okay today but I got quite freaked out at one point for some reason, cos at one point our interpretation of the script went into twilight zone territory and I dunno why but suddenly I felt damn freaked out. Not a nice feeling at all. It left once we went to the LT, interesting. I think our rehearsals are the funniest shizz ever, cos our script is of the winnnn. Randomness. Settled tickets for people too ahh one thing off my mind.

I'm trying not to think about lit test today because there's a very good chance that I might fail nooooo.

This feeling that's taking over me seems rather weird because I'm feeling angry at someone I don't even know. Face facts? Maybe this proves it.

I've finished it, after around 5-6 hours of reading.

I think its a fitting ending to the amazing series, although it WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE NOT TO HAVE BEEN SPOILERED BEFORE HAND BY SOME _____.

It's an odd feeling, a mixture of elation and melancholy, because once you're done the inescapable feeling is that it's over, there won't be any more books, this is the end. The ending was handled well, although the book was very dark, much darker than even OOTP. Deaths abound; seriously, they're everywhere. I became abit worried after 400+ pages where nothing much seemed to be happening yet, but things really picked up speed and it was quite a ride till the final page. The epilogue was...a good way to end off, though IMO the last line wasn't really the best but to each his own. Summed up quite nicely.

And oh, most of the predictions before were actually quite accurate.

You need to get it. Now.

I GOT IT WOOHOO.

=))

To let this not be a totally pointless post, here's a funny video of fall out boy's bang the doldrums. The end part of the chorus make me laugh. Alot.



(It took 5 minutes for the create post page to load, WHATS WRONG WITH BLOGGER?)

Interestingly, I've got a few posts that are saved as drafts, but I dunno whether I ever will post them. No, they're not very emo things (at all) but just some long angry rants about stuff that I think I would have regretted if I had posted them. Not because I didn't mean them, because I did, but cause I don't want to put it for the whole to see; I won't stoop that low.

I've been very tired recently. As in, more tired than usual, which is saying quite alot. I'll be glad when dramafeste is over because I know my acting, at least to myself, is painful to watch. I really can't act. Nevermind, you can all go laugh at me next saturday night.

School has been...alright. Things have settled down abit. Doesn't really feel like week 4 maybe because things have been rushing past in a blur, and I haven't sorted out quite a few issues, but they're not very important as of now.

It's been a tough month.

On rereading my past blog posts for the year, I have one thought:

What the hell was I thinking? O_O
I sounded like I was on drugs. With all the 'haha' and 'lawl' and all that nonsense.

Though I still can remember why I made each and every post, and what I felt when typing each and every word out. Some were tinged with regret, others with pain, others with something akin to euphoria. I'm still searching for the contented happiness that I'm looking for.

I've been in a very bad mood today, which may have been either caused by or aggravated by my sickness. Didn't go to school today, because I really needed the rest. I could post a whole long tirade (which I wanted to in a particularly heated moment in the afternoon) but I won't because it will probably be very boring and would lead to me being banned from blogging and such. Yeah.

Would it hurt to see a little bit more commitment from you people? Maybe cause I realize that my acting is quite lousy which is why I haven't been making more noise, but really. It's in less than 2 weeks.

Tomorrow is going to be a long day and I hope I get rid of this bad mood soon.

Today I detect a faint glimmer of hope for me.

Yesterday made me feel, at least for a while, that life's good (:
No coincidence its a day that I get to spend at home slacking and resting oh gosh I need more of these days. If these days come by more often I'd bet I will be a much more contented boy hahahaha.

It's starkly apparent to me that I'm not as strong as I thought. It's amazing how much I can delude myself in the space of 3 weeks. But no, it's a step. It's been so easy time and time again to say that it's over, but it's not and I'm going to make sure that for once this sticks with me.

Not going to school tomorrow for cca or dramafeste, because I've been feeling sick for the past few days and these chestpains slight as they are are beginning to worry/irritate. It's something to do with the constant flu I've been having this year (I DON'T KNOW WHY).

My left leg is hurting in some indeterminate place around my hip joint, and the pain is getting quite unbearable which is why I'm trying to stay in my seat as much as possible.

Damn whats wrong.

Dramafeste in 2 weeks and omgwth we're going to have to go nuts over it to finish preparing AHH I'm nervous. Please let it go well. Especially in the wake of recent events, I don't know how I'm gonna do it but I want to prove you wrong.

Recent events have left me unsure of what to think anymore. Life's a long journey, pleasepleaseplease for your sake I hope that this pitfall doesn't leave you unable to go on anymore, or leave that small part of you that I know is still there crushed forever. Maybe it's just cause I can't accept it. But it's not my life, it's yours and yours alone, and it's only up to you now.

I need to feel more happy! Just that recently there's been precious little for me to feel happy about. Only a few things are keeping me going now.

I find myself very ticked off about someone.

Dude. If you've been with us every step of the way, helping out, doing what you were supposed to do, and not bloody well shirking your responsibility that your position requires, I won't comment if you decided to say what you did. But its precisely because you havent done squat that I'm so angry about. What gives you the right to say what you did? I was fine with you not doing any work, because I know that its your nature to not do work, shirk all your bloody responsibilities (because we get more work done without you anyway), but this is it. This is the last straw. I'm not going to swear because of you because you aren't worth it. You, my friend, have lost every single ounce of respect I ever had for you. (Not that I ever had much of it for you in the first place.)

If I could, I'd take that smirk off your self-satisfied face and bury it so far up you that you'd need a caesarian to take it out.

Yeahh worst part of the week's over, but still there's this niggling feeling that I should be studying for something, but I have no idea what O_O

For now I'll take refuge in the relative quiet of tonight (i.e. no work to do for once omgwth). I'm playing Oblivion again! Which I realize isn't a very good idea considering its school time.

I've got this sinking feeling that there's a piece of work that's very important that I've left undone. It is not a very nice feeling to have.

Bleach seiyuus (voice actors) are cool people.

At this rate, I have no chance in hell of being able to do the vectors test on monday. I'm just not a visual person wthzzzz. Why is emath tougher than amath?!

When I've got things on my mind I tend to blog alot. Like now.

These posts do not usually make sense.

Headacheeee.

It's been a long time since I felt this way.

Happy Birthday Hanlin!

(this year i'm on time)

Anw, was thinking about stuff for abit. I guess I've been going around saying stuff that I really shouldn't have out of frustration and perhaps even bitterness. Even if I haven't gotten over things, I think I'm in no position to judge despite my rather strong feelings so I'll leave it at that. If its not in God's plan, then I'll accept it.

I feel like I'm supposed to be there but I'm not, and despite my best efforts its making me upset again. Damnit what is wrong with me, what happened to the self-confidence I had awhile ago. Nothing I've done has gone right today. I can't say that it doesn't affect me because it does, it bloody well does.

feeling quite alone

Grow up la tzeern.

Points of Note.

I think I rather like satire. Its quite easy to talk about.

Dramafeste rehearsals were canceled last minute, so I ended up having piano lesson which I had spent loads of time on yesterday canceling. One thing off my mind.

It is kinda dumb to remain affected by something that's not very important, so I decided yesterday that I will not any longer. I think its working, although I wonder if I'm fooling myself again.

Fortunately I've moved on for some things. When one thing ends, something else begins. Wonder how things will progress.

Tevez for United: got online, saw the news, then read every single last one as they started pouring in right after I saw the first one. New articles were appearing every few minutes. I hope it works out, although I wonder why SAF wants a striker thats like Rooney. At least we know he won't be a flop yes. Transfers to a total of 70 million pounds this transfer period thats freaking insane. Not that I'm complaining though.

Am wondering just how much I can say on this blog. Its always interesting to see how much you can say without revealing too much of yourself, sort of like a tug of war. If both sides draw, I win.

Realized that my writing style for today is very matter of fact. Maybe I've been influenced by Gulliver's travels? Like for instance the Expedient Use of Capital letters which serve to emphasize Points well and which I continue to find rather Funny. Have always been a fan of that since Terry Pratchett. Just that it's used much much too often to my liking in Gulliver's Travels.

I think I've grown up quite a bit in this past half year, but there are things that I've gained and there are things that I've lost, and until I regain them I've taken one step forward two steps back.

Damn damn damn I really hope things work out. So many things.

I think I'll get an LJ soon, but i'll still keep this, there are ppl's blogs that I want to read. And the comments section of an LJ is so much better than blogger! Think I'll continue to blog here too. The fate of my first LJ shall be left as one of the unsolved mysteries of 2007.

Hahaha and this is hilarious, checkitout:

Wow its already the 150th post on this blog, 150 posts in around half a year.

I think I blog too much.

My mood for the day was pretty fantastic until I received a piece of news ahhh shit I'm not going to let this get me down I won't I won't I won't. THIS IS NOT GOING TO SPOIL MY DAY.

The morning jog was nice, even though we didn't jog that much (:
Next time we'll finish running the 4.5km k? Hahaha.
Enjoyed the morning lots, which left me in a good mood for the rest of the day, meaning I was productive heh and got quite a fair bit of work done. I'm still in no condition to face school tmr but who cares.

I'm going to keep on telling myself I can do it and maybe after a while I'll actually believe it. It's disheartening to have the stuffing knocked out you just when you're feeling pretty good.

I'm bigger than this, y'hear?

It's a strong front I have to put up now, for more reasons than one.

Damnit I'm just so freaking exhausted.

And I'm forcing myself to head to church tmr even when I think I need to sleep in.

Go figure.

Hahahaha walao crazy day out. I'm feeling dead la -.-

Trials was actually quite fun, just that I couldnt run to my best cos I'm still unwell >_< Ah well I scored a goal as a right-back yay hahaha hope i can get it ohwells =S

Meeting with DAS went well! Whoa everything's falling into place very good (Y)

Transformers was not bad, its nice if you're an action junkie, cos the CGI is fantastic. Plot's loose, and the ending's rubbish. But if you're an action junkie those won't matter anyway.

Another busy day tmr. I need to snap back, like a rubber band. Hope it doesn't hurt.

Hell of a day on tmr.

Pray that I'll make it through this month, cos I do feel like I'm being stretched here and there and pretty much everywhere and sooner or later I realize that something will snap, and that something is me. Everything is taking its toll.

Going for soccer trials tmr, even if I have no idea if I'll get it ah but what the heck anyway and I'm not feeling too good at the moment hope I'm okay tmr mm.

Its rather nice and somehow liberating to just talk in runon sentences that just seem to blabber everything out incoherently and yes incoherent is the word here lalala I think I should go sleep soon I don't sound very sober.

Eeeks. Sorry if I haven't been replying your tags people, I'll get to them soon!

Went for CM outing today, and I'm whacked out. More tiring than I expected, but hey it was still fun. Caught up with people I haven't seen for close to a month. Haha missed the whole load of them.

Learnt, or rather, realized something today. Happiness is where you find it. Last time I liked to live in the past, cause it always looked more ideal and I always feel I was happier back then but recently I realized just how naive that really is. If you can't find happiness in the present, you'll never find it anywhere.

(although its hard to do so when applications of differentiation's breathing down your neck)

But thats beside the point.

Last day of hols. One of the best, definitely. I'll miss it terribly.
Can't believe school starts tmr. -smacks forehead-

Oddly, math is the only subject that makes me want to swear. As in really swear. For instance; when I just can't grasp applications of differentiation at all despite my best efforts.

When I stare at the questions on the supplementary worksheet, they stare back.

Harder.

ZZZ there had better be no ta next week.

-Insertexpletiveofchoice- school.

Thing's aren't looking very good.

Damn.

Thanks (:

It's time to move on.

It's been ages since I last posted, and yes I know that alot of pictures are due. But that's for a time other than today.

(Note to self: I am freaking unfit.)

(Note to readers: this is an utterly random post that serves as an outlet.)





Was wondering after reading a post of someone's blog. Have I really moved on, or am I deceiving myself like the countless times before. It's much easier to go through life believing a lie to make it all seem better, but these things have a nasty way of cropping up at the worst moments. So, the question remains: am I living a lie? How can I be sure of anything? And damnit when will I stop? I really need to resolve all these issues, and fast.

I should feel happy...but I'm not. There's a lot of things I want in my life, but am I asking for too much? Perhaps I should just feel happy with what I have. But there's a part of me that remains...incomplete, for lack of a better word. Something, that no matter how hard I try, remains obstinately and frustratingly not there. The path is laid; I can't tread it.

How. Can. I. Stop. Living. This. Lie.