It's been a long time since I actually posted anything of note, and I wouldn't blame any one of you if you stopped reading cause frankly there hasn't been anything interesting.

Theres so much inside me thats begging to be said but I don't know how to put it into words, or perhaps I'm scared about what these words will reveal. Not just to everyone, but to myself. Truth may be just a word.

Past few days have been a struggle mentally, and I haven't felt so inadequate for pretty damned long. I have no idea whose expectations I'm living up to, why I struggle, fight, why I spend many nights tossing and turning in bed unable to just fall asleep, and instead struggle with my thoughts and emotions, just to make me feel- I don't know. I don't know what it makes me feel, and maybe therein lies the problem because I can't name what I'm feeling, and I have no idea what I'm supposed or rather what I can do about it. So instead its left there and it saps away my energy, saps away my spirit until I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I while the time away trying to study but I can't, because my mind and soul's just not in it.

Maybe it's saying something that the time at which I'm happiest has been while dreaming. Some of my dreams are ridiculous but from others I attain a new degree of clarity, others reveal my innermost thoughts and desires that I don't dare confront. I don't know what to make of all of them but one thing's clear: it's my way of escape.

Hah. Ironic isn't it. I can tell others to face their problems but I keep going because of these forms of escape, watching movies, listening to music, reading books, playing games, these help me escape from reality; emotional fix maybe, yes even games I play them for story as much as gameplay. These help keep me sane, help me feel human.

I can't put my thoughts in order because I think there's been so much thats been kept in for so long that it's all threatening to spill out, every last one. I hate the incongruity of this.

There's so much to say.

I can say that I haven't been emo for a long time, but that may or may not be true. I wonder if anyone saw this whole post coming, cause certainly I didn't. Now I see the allure and dangers of being emo (though I detest this word). It helps I guess to think of your situation of being 'woe is me the whole world is against me ohno' because it gives you this prerogative of sorts, the mindset that somehow no one can help, that feeling of wallowing in misery and lying there stuck like a pig in mud. It's abit like 'fine since I'm feeling so damn miserable I'm going to act it and enjoy it'. Is this catharsis?

Purging of emotion.