brutal and honest.

The peace of God is something that transcends understanding. I feel alot better now, even though I haven't really sorted out any of the problems, I still feel at peace. I feel an inexplicable joy, and its all the more inexplicable considering the amount of stress I'm in.

Lord You are amazing

I no longer feel that frustration, the anger, the sorrow. He has given me the courage to accept, and move on. Honestly, if it weren't for God in my life now, I'd be wasted now. Totally wasted; unable to do anything, unable to cope, unable to go on. The fact that I'm still on my two feet now is really a testament to how God has been there for me.

I'm the type of person that really cannot take rejection. I dunno why. I guess I'm the type of person that really places alot of value on the relationships that I have. It's only by God's grace that I've lived through all the jibes, sniggers, putdowns which hurt me alot more than you think. Like after quitting rugby for instance. All the jokes about CO, all the 'loser' catcalls. It hurt, it really hurt, and damnit it still continues to hurt. Seetow will know, I've told him before. But I'm living through it, and though on a daily basis damn it still continues to hurt, God is still pulling me through.

And you know, frankly I really HATE, really HATE the name 'cake'. I really detest it. Maybe I'm oversensitive, but I just think that it's just degrading. Hah. And I really can't stand it. It's a huge effort everytime not to respond, not to show it, but underneath I just let it slide, let it build up until I can't take it anymore. And I think it's all reached boiling point recently. I may not have shown it, but honestly? Everytime someone calls me 'cake' I really wanna just go whack the person, as in really start to fight, thinking to hell with the consequences that guy's going down but I don't. It's bloody hard to take it and just smile, you know? I guess that's why when people actually bother enough to use my real name, I'm really very grateful. It actually means more to me than you know. This may come as news to many of you, but yeah. Or maybe you're not going to care anyway.

One thing I know is that no matter what I still will go on, not by my own strength. Far from it. If I was only living by my own strength I would be in a really screwed up state now, perhaps emo-ing 24/7 that type. It's a continual struggle, one that I have to pull through every single day I'm in school. Waking up in the morning is something I have to face everyday, and just about all the time I just wanna stay home. Away from it all. Which is why I enjoy the freedom I have and the peace I find in church. But I don't want to be a coward. I'm sure God doesn't want me to just stay at home and what feel sorry for myself, and frankly I don't care much for that type of life either.

Someone once told me that he/she doesn't know how I continue to smile, remain happy-go-lucky. I don't know about the accuracy of that since I'm in no position to judge but well the fact is I'm anything but happy go lucky. I care so damn much that it hurts. It's a fight to stay happy, to continue smiling, despite all the shit I'm going through. Sorry but I'm just finding it very hard not to swear right now. I've made it a point this year to stop swearing and so far it's been pretty alright up till now. I'm damn tempted to just swear and just flood this post with BOLDED and HUGE swearwords. But I'm not going to.

This tirade if it can be called that is an accumulation of almost a year's worth of pent up frustration, unhappiness and it's reached a point where I can't take it anymore. Somehow over the course of this post I've gone too emo for my tastes. I actually never intended to post this much, but one thing led to another.

But my God still allows me to smile, to cope, to live.

=)

rueful though this smile may be, but nonetheless, I'll continue to smile. Yeah.