I will set nothing wicked before my eyes; I hate the work of those who fall away; it shall not cling to me
- Psalms 101:3

I'm not going to pretend that it's going to be easy, cause that's going to just be pretentious and naive.

That's the prayer of my heart tonight.



I promised.

And it scares me, because I know it's gonna cost me.

I don't want to fail again.

Struggling.

I hate summaries.

I simply detest them. I like to write, but I prefer to let my thoughts flow.

Not plan it out word by word -_-

And as my commitments start to pile up now, it's getting increasingly hard to stay focused, or to stay positive for that matter.

It shall certainly test my newfound resolve.

Classic quote from Lexus: (the new sec one in my section. He owns. Really.)

"Aiya, I want to be a PSL to torture the new sec ones only lah!"

It seems that some messages, and sentiments, hold true to every batch of Rafflesians year after year.

The awe-inspiring nature of our camps, that even when toned down to such an extent, we seem to inculcate a bit of a sadistic streak into every fresh batch.

Of course, we're not like that when it comes to sec four lah!

(I think.)

=))

Rambles after 12am.

It's taken me the whole bloody night, but I'm proud to announce-

THAT I'VE FINISHED MATHS PT.

And I'm exhausted. Haven't had a late night like this in ages. Better start getting used to it, cause I know it's only going to get worse over the course of the year.

Damn the flu, indeed. I'm now I realize quite behind. NEVERMIND I've almost caught up, just need to get my maths sorted out. At the moment its in quite a bit of a rut. Circular measure is a topic I just can't get the hang of, maybe cause I'm not a visual type of person? I can't really visualize and see the links and have that 'Eureka' moment just looking at the diagram. I must stare and stare and stare and more often than not just blindly hope that I'll notice something.

It doesn't help that I've forgotten all the rules about triangles like the cosine rule and all.

AND IT CERTAINLY DOESN'T HELP THAT WE'VE JUMPED STRAIGHT INTO TRIGO RATIOS. GAHHH.

And I realize as well that I still need to go and refresh my mind about PSGM finale and maybe sort out my thoughts about it. Meeting's on tues after school and sadly I haven't been able to spend much time on it.

Damnit. School has taken a hold, nay, a vice-grip on my life at the moment. It's in full swing again, and I'm starting to feel dizzy.

In the midst of all this madness though, even through the times where I simply can't wait for the weekend (for more reasons than one)-

God is here with me ALL THE TIME. =)

And suddenly it doesn't seem so bad after all.

Reprioritized.

A conversation I had with Mr Ngoh (percussion pro and coach) just now was quite enlightening.

I remember last year, when going into CO and running for section leader, I had something in mind for my section. I had a goal, perhaps it was naive and unrealistic, but still, I had a goal.

Somewhere along the way in the past few months I've lost it. I lost the desire. I lost the passion, and become what I detest the most: someone who would settle for second best. And I admit yes the section has suffered as a result. Even if I haven't realized or acknowledged it.

So now, while I still have time, I'm going to start doing things differently. I've still got time left, and I believe that I got my position for a purpose. A time such as this, you can say.

It's time to start repaying the faith.

Your time starts now.

sunday morning rain is fallin'

I think I'm in quite a big mess. I have all of 2+ hours to finish my matrices assignment, i.e. the real life problem part.

TGN's potato and tomato ABC song is damn hilarious. Haha o.O

I think I'm going for keyboard tryouts on sat. Shit I'm going to go there and look damn noob lar. Cannot get in then how malu! >< And some more I don't have any scores or what, just play by ear only. Go there unprepared and die. -_-

Cartel is bad for wallet. Went there with JC, Li Anne and Leslie. It's nice, but I can't really appreciate it cause of my flu. Gahhhhhhh.

Sorry if the points come in random order. I'm just typing whatever comes to mind about today. Yup.

BACK TO MATHS ASSIGNMENT AHH.

I was bored, so..

This is damn funny. I was very bored when i did it okay! Hahahahahaha. As to whether its true or not is another case altogether. Lawl.

Crunch time.

The whole of my adolescent life, I've been struggling. Struggling, and frankly, getting nowhere at all. Even up till now I still fail. Fail over and over and over.

Although I didn't realize it at the time, God has been with me all the while. The dark recesses of my soul, the empty promises, the words and words alone that see no action. He sees it all. Yet I cannot comprehend why in spite of all these God still loves me, and even rejoices over me. It's mind-boggling that even though I fail time and time again, each time asking for his forgiveness that He actually gives it. The amazing grace of our Lord Jesus Christ never ceases to humble me.

I've tried, time and time again by my own strength alone. And that's why I fail. Fail so completely.

I know the words, know what to say, what I'm supposed to do. But just why can't I actually do it?

I'll obey the Lord because I love him. This is what I'm going to cling onto, what I'm going to live by. For the joy of the Lord is my strength. In this test of faith, I think it's crunch time. Time to stop talking the talk and start walking the walk.

This is IT. It starts NOW.

You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the One who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world
-1 John 4:4

For I can do all things through my God who strengthens me. And I know very well that my resolve is going to be tested, it will waver. I have to once and for all depend on God, depend on Him like I never have before.

My help comes from the Lord, who made the heavens and the earth!
-Psalms 121:2

We are the salt of the earth, shining God's glory for the world to see. And it's high time I started to live that way.

I won't pretend anymore. Simply put, it's now or never.

For God has said, "I will never fail you, I will never forsake you."
-Hebrews 13:5b

Amen.

I really need help

Today was a big waste of time. I should have just stayed home and not went to school again. My stomach acted up during lessons today again lor. And we didn't even do anything worthwhile the entire day. Zzz. Could have spent my time much better.

Ooh but drumming lesson by Nat in ROL was fun! I finally learnt how to hold the stick correctly, and like he said, now I'm finding it alot easier to play. Good good. Sounds not bad now leh! -ego-
And the short jamming session was great too. I really wanna play for FL keyboard and drums. Haha, but see first lah. Maybe this is the opening that I've been looking for? Time will tell.

On a more panicky note, I've got two tests tmr! AAAHHHH. Chem and Maths. Zzz at least they're on relatively easy topics but STILL. My chem totally sucks. My math is erratic. Which means that I'm not entirely confident about tmr.

I don't really sound very coherent at the moment because I'm just letting my fingers run on and on on the keyboard, typing out whatever nonsense comes to my mind in whatever random order.

Lol I'm back to playing FM again! Here's my first team now:

GK - Ustari/Mexes
DR - Eboue/Vandenborre/Brown
DL - Marcelo/Heinze
DC - Ferdinand/Pique
DC - Arzo
DM - Carrick/R.Jones (Youth team okay! I developed him!)
LM - Nani/Iago
AM - (deepbreath) RaulGarcia/Moutinho/Cardenas/Messi
RM - C.Ronaldo/J.Navas/Messi
FC - Podolski/Rooney/Rossi/Bojan/Delgado

I can count only 6 of the current Man U first team that remain in my squad. Hmm.

Here I am stuck at home again.

And that blasted stomachache is still here.

This sucks. At least I've made better use of my time today, been studying since I woke up. I think when I go back to school I'll be very behind. zzzt.

ZZZ

The pain still stubbornly refuses to cease its relentless torment. And not only that, now I feel like vomiting. How quaint. I don't think I'm in fit shape to go to school tmr, but see how. I hate this.

The pain hasn't really subsided. Damn.

Unfortunately, I didn't study that much. Mostly did chem, and read the poem Ms Johnson asked us to read, the one about the bishop ordering his own tomb. Now I know what she meant about the role of silence in that particular poem.

I've decided that I have to become more ruthless in CCA. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

(>_<)

Just came back from the doctor. Looks like there's a 60-70% chance of gastrititis, and the other 30-40% is pancreatitis or gall bladder inflammation.

Please please let it just be gastritis >_<

Of course, this means I'm not going to school um today. Must catch up on my work.

ouchh.

tami: yeah man! :D I can say the same of your red ipod nano XD totally hot!

About yesterday's filming: we rocked the house down! Raffles (y)

Went to vivo today for the first time ever. Deprived yes, but honestly I don't see the attraction of the place. Sure its a great place to buy clothes but other than that it doesn't really have much of an edge over the other shopping malls. I bought 4 really nice shirts though for CNY, really happy with my purchases.

On another note, I've been having a recurring stomachache since 1 yesterday. ZZZ. Damn pain. Can't even exercise now lor.

=DD

Finally got myself a new phone! =D

The sexy n73 (y)

Will upload some of the pictures taken by the phone in the future. Suffice it to say that the quality rocks, ala 3.2megapixel camera.

Although the hole its burned in my pocket is rather sizeable...Haha.

X(

GRRaAarRR.

I've just wasted 20 msgs in the space of half an hour just to communicate practice time, having to resend to the same old people THREE FRICKIN' TIMES. And in the end? I had to cancel the rest of the practices this week.

I am NOT in a good mood.

We are going to BOMB next month during performance. Sincerely, no joke.

This is the last straw. I had better see A MUCH BETTER PERFORMANCE on saturday during dazhu and sectionals. If not, there's gonna be some radical changes around here. Take my word for it.

Re: Not-so-crappy post ( -_-" )

Reply to Jotham's latest post on his blog:

I for one don't view you as weak for talking about this kinda stuff. Rather the opposite in fact: I think you deserve respect for having the courage to go open about the way you feel. It takes strength, inner strength and sacrifice to be willing to be candid, to lay yourself bare before other people. I know many others struggle with this, but precious few actually are willing to come out and say it.

Although I admit that it is far more difficult to do actually find true friendship in RI and perhaps Raffles in general (others will testify to this), I must say that it isn't impossible. You just have to continue looking, and perhaps you'll find it in places where you never expected it to be. I can testify to that =)

Keep the faith!

I think I'm nuts.

I feel nice and tired now.

Hope I don't catch a cold. Yup.

Decided to run today cause I came home rather early, at around 230. Touched up on my speech for tmr (AAAAHHHHHHHHH) then left the house at around 410.

For those of you that know, the halfway point of bedok reservoir (roughly around the 2.4km mark) can be considered a no man's land. Once you hit that point, there's no choice but to go on since there's nowhere to stop. Or shelter, for that matter. And how quaint, that today right when I hit that point it started to rain!

-clapclap-

So I ran for another 1 km more before stopping. Running with a drenched shirt that's heavy is damn irritating. So is running in the torrential downpour, come to think of it. So I managed to find shelter eventually, having run 3+km. Hahaha I did QT there during the 5-10 minutes breather I took while waiting for the rain to lessen!

Then I continued running for the last 1+ km or so. I need to run more! I need that sub-9 for 2.4. Mmhmm.

Wanted to go to the gym directly, but realized that

a) I was soaking wet
b) My legs were covered in gravel (from the running)
c) If I entered the gym I'd probably die of pneumonia

soooooooooo I had to go upstairs, dry up, change, and go back down to gym.

Like I said, I think I'm nuts. Don't be surprised if I don't turn up for school tomorrow =D